sketch - vogue's 73 questions with barbie
an interviewer gets more than he bargained for when he films vogue's 73 questions with barbie
TW: Terrorism
INT. BARBIE’S DREAM HOUSE
The DREAM HOUSE’S INTERIOR is cutesy and pink but there are all pink versions of terrifying paintings by Fransisco Goya on the walls
JOURNALIST
Hi Barbie, I’m here to do your 73 questions with Vogue video
BARBIE
Well, hi friend
JOURNALIST
Oh… what interesting paintings. Where did you get them?
BARBIE
Thank you! I used to be Art Collector Barbie but the IRS put a stop to that
BARBIE laughs
BARBIE and the JOURNALIST sit down in opposite chairs
JOURNALIST
So Barbie, what are your three favorite things?
BARBIE
Glitter, smiles, and hugs!
JOURNALIST
And what’s been on your mind lately?
BARBIE
(Darkly; Dead serious) Our slow and inevitable march till death and the reality that there is no afterlife
There is an intense, serious, silent beat
BARBIE
(Chipper) Kidding!
Barbie vacantly stares for a beat. The REPORTER chuckles nervously
BARBIE then stands up for no reason. The REPORTER stays seated
REPORTER
What is your favorite room in the whole house?
BARBIE
How about I show you?
INT. BARBIE’S DREAM HOUSE - ANIMATRONIC ROOM
The ANIMATRONIC ROOM is filled with creepy animatronics, some of them with half of their face fur gone, revealing creepy exoskeletons
MURDER BEAR (ANIMATRONIC)
(Creepily) Come play with us, Barbie
BARBIE
Not now Murderbear, I’m doing an interview with Vogue
JOURNALIST
I’m sorry, Murderbear?
BARBIE ignores the JOURNALIST
BARBIE
Now let’s check out my garden
INT. BARBIE’S DREAMHOUSE - GARDEN
BARBIE
(Listing, like she could drone on and on) I have roses, gardenias, a genetically modified venus flytrap large enough to eat a full human man
JOURNALIST
Oh my god, how did you get that?
BARBIE
(Cheerfully) I made it silly! I’ve had careers as an art collector, FBI agent, astronaut, fashion model, movie star, pro surfer, President of the United States, hairstylist, human incubator, and hooker. And I’ve learned a thing or two from my friends. Mattel just released my new friend bioterrorist Barbie!
BARBIE laugh
JOURNALIST
Released as in manufactured a bioterrorist Barbie doll line or released as in let her out of doll jail?
There is a silent beat. BARBIE vacantly stares at the JOURNALIST again
BARBIE
(Chipper) Bioterrorist Barbie’s hobbies include ignoring all ethical scientific boundaries and journaling her descent into madness!
BARBIE giggles
BARBIE
And she comes with a multimillion-dollar contract with Lockheed Martin!
JOURNALIST
Jesus Christ
BARBIE
I know! it’s super important to have more women in STEM
JOURNALIST
Not if they’re violating the Geneva Convention!
BARBIE
(Solemnly, looking out window) I once had a friend named Geneva…
JOURNALIST
What… what happened to her?
BARBIE
(Chipper) Let’s go check out the living room!
INT. BARBIE’S DREAM HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
There is a giant dungeon door shaking with animalistic sounds
JOURNALIST
Um, what was that?
BARBIE
That was just my… dog. Yeah let’s go with that
A hoarse whisper comes from behind the dungeon door, begging, “Please let me out”
JOURNALIST
I don’t remember that room coming with the dream house.
BARBIE
That doesn’t sound like a question
JOURNALIST
Did that room come with the dream house?
BARBIE
No. It’s a renovation
JOURNALIST
Does the city have a copy of the blueprint?
BARBIE
(Sternly) What are you, a cop?
JOURNALIST
No, no. Just here for your 73 questions interview
BARBIE
(Sweetly) okay, here, have an apple
The journalist takes a bite of the apple… We see from the POV of the journalist who falls to the floor
JOURNALIST
(Whispering) The apple
The JOURNALIST’S EYES close
KEN ENTERS
KEN
Damn it Barbie, again?!
CUT TO
INT. TOY COMMERCIAL SET
NARRATOR
Now introducing, Isis Barbie. Pull her string and she’ll say a catchphrase!
A hand pulls one of the Barbie strings
ISIS BARBIE
Death to the American infidels!
NARRATOR
Pull too many times and she might blow up!
A hand pulls the string again and everything blows up
NARRATOR
Isis Barbie, because this is capitalism baby, and we’ll sell whatever we can
END
Thumbnail Art by Gigi Starling @gaminggoru
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