snl sketch - helen keller beef (please don’t destroy)
martin, ben, and john get in to beef with helen keller on twitter
TW: Ableism, eating disorders, sexism, fatphobia; DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE
INT. PLEASE DON'T DESTROY OFFICE
MARTIN
Did you guys read the news? They figured out how to upload human consciousnesses to Twitter
BEN
Seriously?
JOHN
You can’t believe everything you read on the internet
MARTIN
I know it’s true. They uploaded someone and we’ve been going back and forth on Twitter
BEN
Who?
MARTIN
Helen Keller. Helen Keller and I have beef
JOHN
You have beef with Helen Keller?
MARTIN
Yeah. Listen to what she tweeted about me, 'A lot of people are calling @MartinHerlihy an ugly fucking idiot... they're right'
JOHN gets a Twitter notification
JOHN
Oh shit, Helen Keller's coming for all of us dude
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
@JohnHiggins I give it three more years before you look like if the baby from Spirited Away went on Super Size Me
BEN
Dude, Helen Keller’s really mean
BEN gets a Twitter notification
BEN
I'm just not gonna read it
JOHN
(Reading from his phone) @BenMarshall you look like if Carrot Top fucked Gonzo the Muppet
BEN
C'mon dude, why would you read that?
JOHN
It just feels good to have the heat off me
JOHN gets a notification
JOHN
Damn it! Me, again?!
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
John, you’re gonna look like Shrek binge-ate donkey. It's not that you'll be fat, just misshapen. On the bright side, you can go as Caucasian Madea on Halloween
MARTIN
Holy shit, Helen Keller is fatphobic!
BEN
Dear Helen, I don't think this is really fair. We can't make fun of you
JOHN
I don't think you should post that
BEN
I'm gonna post it
MARTIN
Ben, I really don't think you should post it
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
@MartinHerlihy I was wondering why you look like your adult teeth never grew in. Seriously you look like a herbivore (Attached photo) So I checked your ancestry tree at ancestry.com. Your parents are cousins
MARTIN
(Doubtful) No
HELEN sends proof
MARTIN
(Shattered) No... (Martin’s voice trails off)
BEN
Oh my god, man
MARTIN
Post it
JOHN
Yeah, post it
The posting sound effect plays. Then another notification dings
MARTIN
How does she type so fast?!
BEN
Voice to text!
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
@pleasedon’tdestroy Because I am disabled you're going to treat me differently?
JOHN
I told you that we shouldn't have posted that! We should roast her, nothing barred, just like we would do to anyone else
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
Do your worst pussies
MARTIN
Oh my god is Helen Keller sexist? We should call her out
JOHN
I don't think the optics of us policing Helen Keller's language are good
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
@StevenHawking jump in here
STEVEN HAWKING (V.O.)
@MartinHerlihy is why humans invented face down ass up
MARTIN
That's just not true! Face down ass up was invented way before I was born! I happen to know I was conceived when my par-
JOHN
(Simultaneously) Woah
BEN
(Simultaneously) Woah
JOHN
T.M.I.
BEN
How do you even know that?
JOHN
No, no. We're moving past it
STEVEN HAWKING (V.O.)
@JohnHiggins you're such a bulimic gay slut you puke semen
JOHN
Wow, Steven Hawking is homophobic. @StevenHawking 'Why so homophobic? Do you hate gay people or something?'
The post notification chimes
BEN
No dude!
MARTIN
John, give us a second to strategize!
STEVEN HAWKING (V.O.)
@JohnHiggins I don’t hate all gays, just you
JOHN
I'm not even gay!
MARTIN
That's it! I'm pulling out the big guns. @StevenHawking I heard you shop at Walmart cause you know boys’ pants were half off #epsteinsisland
The posting sound effect plays
JOHN
Woah dude
BEN
You did not
There is a Twitter notification
MARTIN
…And he deleted his account
BEN
Nice!
BEN, MARTIN, and JOHN jump up, doing a three-way high-five. There is a freeze frame until… a Twitter notification dings and they unfreeze, falling to the ground. BEN lands on his ankle funny and falls over, bringing a chair down with him as he crashes
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
@pleasedontdestroy still waiting for you pussies to give me your worst
BEN bounces back up into the frame
BEN
What do we do? (Reading tweet) @BenMarshall that's not a forehead, that's a fivehead (With an embarrassing picture attached)
HELEN KELLER
Ben, you look like the hamburglar in a wig
MARTIN
Helen Keller really likes going after you, Ben
BEN
(Like I Know What You Did Last Summer) Why God?! Why does Helen Keller hate me!?
JOHN slaps BEN
JOHN
You know what we need to do
BEN
I really don't
JOHN
We need to bully Hellen Keller off Twitter
JOHN, BEN, and MARTIN all make eye contact (MARTIN’S EYEBALLS go in two directions like a lizard person so he can look at JOHN and BEN at the same time) and pile their hands in the middle before chanting, "Bully, bully, Helen!"
MARTIN slaps BEN
BEN
What was that for?!
MARTIN
Fun
Silent Beat
CUT TO them beginning to tweet rapid-fire
MARTIN
@HelenKeller, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna sneak into your house and move all the furniture around
JOHN
@HelenKeller, If I handed you a cheese grater and told you it was a book I could effectively make you illiterate
BEN
@HelenKeller, I hope your caregivers leave the plunger in the toilet just for you
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
'@JohnHiggins'
JOHN
Man, Helen Keller just won't leave me alone!
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
You have the face of a rapist and the body of a lunch lady
JOHN
(Upset, tearing up) I work so hard on my body dysmorphia in therapy!
A sappy emotional tune is played
BEN
There, there
MARTIN
We're here for you
JOHN and MARTIN pat BEN on the back, comforting him
MARTIN
Do you want your comfort shirt?
JOHN nods his head like a toddler. JOHN puts on one of those boardwalk airbrushed t-shirts with a skinny woman's body in a bikini on it. JOHN sniffles
JOHN
Better
The sappy emotional music ends
MARTIN
Alright, I'm responding with a TikTok. (Filming TikTok) Helen Keller went to town, Ridin' on a pony, Stuck a feather in her hat, And called it 'MAHAHHHNNNNGHAAA'
BEN
Ooh, that may be too far
JOHN
We're too far into it now! (Filming another TikTok) @HelenKeller, heard Tiktok is writing a musical about you. My favorite song so far is I Say Tomato, You Say Merrrr
MARTIN
She was blind and deaf, not mute, are you dumb?
JOHN
That was a lot of words and I'm very stressed and overwhelmed right now
MARTIN
(Simultaneously) Don't post that!
BEN
(Simultaneously) Don't post that!
JOHN
Okay, I won't
There is a moment of calm. Suddenly, JOHN'S PARROT flys out of its cage and pecks the phone. There is a suspensful moment. The post notification goes out
PARROT
Gotta post on schedule! Gotta post on schedule! Squawk!
BEN
This week was the week you just had to get a bird!?
MARTIN
Quick take it down!
JOHN
She already saw it! (Reading comment) ‘You three are a walking advertisement for birth control. The reason God created the middle finger’
MARTIN
It's time to go for the most classic insult of all. Men have been saying it to women for centuries. Since we were cavemen
MARTIN types in slow-motion
MARTIN
Well,-
Flash of MARTIN looking like a caveman texting
MARTIN
-you're ugly
Ding! Notification!
HELEN KELLER (V.O.)
You know I'm not
JOHN
Check her page, I don't even know what she looks like
MARTIN
Me neither
BEN
Neither do I
They check HELEN'S TIKTOK PAGE. It is full of thirst traps including her washing a car sexily in slow motion but in a floor-length conservative dress. While HELEN struggles to rip the dress off to reveal a red bikini underneath, she slips and falls off the car
JOHN
Damn it! Why does Helen Keller have to be funny, sexy, and smart?!
MARTIN
I don’t know if we can technically say that’s funny-
JOHN
Who cares at this point!?
Someone knocks at the door
BEN
Now's not a good time!
LORNE MICHAELS ENTERS
MARTIN
Oh god, Lorne!
LORNE
Just so you know that news was a promotion for a history special on Hulu. They created different accounts for historical figures and trained A.I. to answer questions. But they got hacked
BEN
You mean we've-
LORNE
Been fighting with a 13-year-old who hijacked a program meant to teach young kids on social media about an author, disability rights advocate, political activist and lecturer
JOHN
But we only dragged Helen Keller, not all those people
LORNE
Jesus Christ, I forgot how fucking stupid you lot are
BEN
John, she's all of those things
JOHN
Damn
BEN
So we were being ableist to a robot. Doesn’t that make it a little better?
MARTIN
(Ashamed) C’mon dude
JOHN
(Ashamed) Really?
Ben
So we're-
LORNE
Fired! Yes! Obviously! Pack up your shit and get the fuck out of here!
LORNE EXITS, slamming the door
There is a long silence
MARTIN
Oh my god my parents are cousins